He will defend her to others because he is the only one who "truly understands" that there is a sweet girl underneath the tough exterior. Then, you can continue to express the positives that your girlfriend adds to your life. ian thomas drummer heart attack; poeme sur l'enfance malheureuse. Learn from the experience - that is what I am trying to do. I could immediately tell from the type of pictures she had on her social media accounts and the tings that she would say that she was not someone I wanted for my son. She had died her hair red (my son love's red heads and she decided to do this). We made the mistake of letting her live in our home 5 months ago and my home has become so uncomfortable that we have asked her to move out. Be loving towards him. You might also ask his closest friend, cousin or sibling to talk with him. This content is accurate and true to the best of the authors knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional. Anyway, at this time she is refusing to let me see my grandson. Lesson learned! I implore you all not to cut ties with your son for any reason. Lori Phillips (author) from Southern California USA on June 05, 2012: Why don't they like her? And now that he is lying to me and looks like he's protecting her from me, I feel so betrayed! Please help me what to do and how would I feel better because I don't know what to say , I feel betrayed.. My girlfriend is a very nice person and she likes my family and my children love her a lot, even though they are not hers but my mom has shown signs and comments of having a problem with the fact that I support her at times, even financially. He gets esteem from that. I suggested prosponing renting out his flat go back and see how things go. But he is happy, and you did not mention anything about the girl or her parents having a negative impact on your son's life or happiness aside from his not living the way you think he should. If she is trying to distance him from you or his family. Her baby was born Dec 2012. He might see himself as your child when with you and with her, he is completely different. How can I turn a blind eye to all that I know about this woman? My son had 2 vehicles at the time and didn't need another one. She has told my son that she wants nothing to do with me and I am fine with this. Well, the son texts her and says can you believe my mom thought the lunch was about you being pregnant. Meanwhile, let him know you're his forever family. Both eyes open, we told him, if he wanted to avoid heartache later. Kids, especially teens in their first relationship, may not recognize the signs of a toxic relationship. Still, it would be best if you were careful about how you approach the matter. We feel so sorry for him as it is obvious at times he feels so pulled from pillar to post. First, you might want to have a sit down with your son. Be direct: "What have I done to make you treat me this way?" The things she said to me were unacceptable along with the nasty threatening text messages of how I ruined his life now and that I hoped I was happy. It's a hormone thing in many people. He nearly married a girl who had mental issues to the point where she pulled a knife on him, a girl who only liked to party and didn't like or respect us, and a girl with a kid who he would support financially only to be usurped by her biological father who didn't pay a dime towards her support. Normally, I don't feel that I would be so hard on a girl but this woman has a lot of gall!! Luckily she moved in with a mutual friend and the younger child. She has to have the desire to fix herself. Tell him that you want him to be sure about this decision. I have been reading all the stories that you ladies have been posting. The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers to this website may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. This woman doesn't care about those things." Nice blog! There is a social hierarchy with a code of acceptance or rejection. I got him home, cleaned him up (she had dragged him down in just a few short months) - he was dirty and stinky! HubPages is a registered trademark of The Arena Platform, Inc. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. I have just read through some of your postings and it has brought tears to my eyes. But that's not an option anymore. However, the reality is that my relationship with my son has changed and I can't really see any improvement as long as he is with this woman. From then on, be kind and open-hearted towards her and her parents. Not all life paths are meant to be easy and if he chooses a hard path, we'll walk it with him. What she doesn't know won't hurt her, and so she can continue being the sweet, considerate future daughter-in-law and melt away your mother's disapproval with kindness in time. Generally, women who go into nursing are very nurturing, patient and compassionate people. Plus, she is the mother of your one-year-old. It takes a humble soul--and love--to be able to offer an apology for any wrongdoings. You have time on your side. Others may feel you are not looking for a job when you are looking for many and get disheartened. Your email address will not be published. I asked my son why she's too nice to our dog and he just told me, she likes dogs too! Last night, my son invited his father and I to their wedding! It is very hurtful, but I will continue to invite both of them to spend time with us. Then she began threatening suicide Not long after my son followed suit and began cutting, threatening suicide, and having violent outbreaks. she is very disrespectful called me a bitch to my face, has went off on me in my home, has called my husband a motherfucker to his face and has changed my son for the worse. Accepting your son's girlfriend may be challenging at first, but bringing her into your family will also bring you closer to your son. Im struggling and I can't sleep well at night. Tell him to reflect on his relationship to see if it has had positive effects on him as far as his health habits and educational/future opportunities. My son is now with an old woman, closer to my age than his. Not a very friendly person at all..she actually has made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. Your reasons are sound and valid from a parent's perspective, but in all honesty, you have to remember that he has a life of his own. They know that my husband and I don't like it at all. That is all. You don't have to admit to anything you're NOT sorry for but do apologize for letting your anger and frustration get the best of you and do tell him that you regret ever telling him to move out. My ex-husband and I have both assisted my son during the custody battle with financial matters. I'm sorry that I haven't checked in for a long time. Not allowing him the freedom to learn from his decisions is a mistake, too. For the first 8 months we got along very well. it really bothers the family cuz we thought we brought our son up with the understanding that family comes first that you never bring trash in your family and take up for your family! You have no control over what they do elsewhere, but you are responsible for what you allow in your home, so don't be bullied by his defiance of you. You had the right to deny access to your basement, but other than that, are you friendly or cordial to his girlfriend? I am right there with you! Contact firstname.lastname@example.org with your story to apply. Building bridges takes time. Its your parental responsibility to take action and start a conversation with your son about his manipulative partner. My main support is that she liked to undertake Nursing as she said she likes to serve the community and I paid for her registration and now she has received a study loan for the whole year and now has one year left for her studies. Visit them alone sometimes. Another persons perspective might help him see his girlfriend for who she is. I said u better be honest to me, and he was firm that he said no! Even wives. NOW is the time to be very, very careful in his choice. I tried to talk to my son several times but he brushed me off. Thanks for stopping by! Parenting reaches a whole new level of complications when your precious little boy becomes aware of their sexual feelings. This is a tough one. He hasn't married her yet. The other day I ran into the mother of my middle son's former girlfriend. I have always supported at home and even paid for my mothers studies when she was studying, I give her money monthly just for support on groceries while i understand that this is optional as she is working after she got a qualification for her studies. They want to make their own decisions and live as they like. He left home and married a woman much older than him, without telling any of his family, we only found out on Social Media. Explain to him how his girlfriends behaviour is undesirable. It sounds as though you've built your relationship on very solid foundational reasons for liking your girlfriend: she has amazing traits (kindness, humility) and she loves your children like her own. Have you ever been to (your family vacation spot)? Whatever you do and say, do and say it with all the love you can muster from being his parents. Kimberly! The only thing that saved him is that the kids were in another state. Bit over exaggerated but let me give the context; we started dating in early to mid July of 2022 and things were looking great. He'd call in for a meal occasionally. I tried talking to him about it to woo him back to her. I would say some of the things here but I don't want to offend anyone. Your son is always a victim of the blame game. If your son contributes to your finances and you need his support, that is a different story. Say nothing critical or they will resent you. She hates our whole family for no reason at all. I only charged her $300 a month rent and she could eat what I put in the refrigerator. Our encounter was not awkward and I was glad to see her and hear how her . When he said that, then I reacted, I said why?.. If he were unhappy, I can understand your wanting to change his situation. She lied about being pregnant last year, she has cheated on him and he still chooses her. We have carted them about, they never offer petrol. But he might have found his life mate at an early age. I was extremely hurt and said so to my son. Sometimes, a seemingly "nice" kid will be attracted to a "bad" girl because she represents the side of him that he wishes he could express. Instead of losing your son, you may gain a daughter and even a very good friend. Once my son hit high school, my once sweet boy began having sex, smoking pot, and drinking. You might not like his decision. Non-critical. That is part of life and learning. She sounds like an extremely insecure person who needs to self-protect. Use humor. We did this due to her poor attitude and disrespect towards me and my fiance. He doesn't recognize it but he is being passive-aggressive. 6. THAT calls to the little boy in him. But One day, my niece (she's my neighbor) was staying home. We painted a picture of what family life with her as a wife and mother of his children would be like. My eldest son is a well educated child, good exam results, excellent uni then he started a relationship with a woman and it totally changed him. I know you have concerns about your son getting into a serious relationship so young, but isn't your top priority your son's happiness? If you have to live with your mother's disapproval, so be it. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); My Sons Girlfriend Is Manipulative 3 Ways To Cope, on My Sons Girlfriend Is Manipulative 3 Ways To Cope, 1. Young lovers are blind to serious red flags in their relationships which is why mothers become so alarmed when they see what they perceive to be poor choices, but its important to refrain from being petty. I kept staring at her face and was turned off. Another essential step you should consider is scheduling consistent family time. Our son was upset and was leaving her to return to his flat, he was waiting to be allowed back to collect his things. I tried to open up to her about certain topics, which got a little emotional due to my time of the month and she completely ignored me and started doing something else and ignored the fact that I was crying for help and comfort in a time of need. Mo Mulla is a work from home dad who enjoys reading and listening to music, He loves being a dad and husband to a growing family. I have been asking my son long before this day if he has girlfriend or if he likes someone so I would meet her to know more about her. also, this girl has done some things that have been very disturbing as well, that would scare any mother. My girlfriend is the humblest and kindest women I have ever met and I like her for who she is and not what she has. Make it a warm and inviting offering. Right now, you are being the major bump. I asked him 3 times and said no! How would you feel if your own son's girlfriend called you names? My son is blinded (21) and doesn't see the red flags all of our family members have seen in his life since he has met this girl and her parents. I am going through hell and probably have lost my son for good. In fact, shower your mother with lots of love and attention when your new wife is around so she will associate your wife with good times and loving feelings from her son. The final nail in that relationship was ahe cheated on him with his best friend! But it is gonna be a hard task to accomplish. Plus, you have been a great financial help to your mother, and she might feel that you will be strapped if you also have to support your girlfriend, too. It actually felt good just to vent and get another opinion! How about when your son is abusive to his girlfriend treats her like crap hits her slaps her does horrible things to her and he blames her. The right girl will bring more love and joy to the family as the family grows. She pretends to be having no issue to me at times but I am concerned that this will have a negative impact on our relationship with her (mother) once we get married. I always told my kids that if they wanted to "play house" with a lover than they needed to own up to all the responsibilities that comes with that privilege. In the beginning sge was living by those two rules. You see he is rescuing her from anxiety depression and anorexia, due to his EQ. We made him come home or we would tell her what he was doing (he didn't want her to know). If you know he has always been respectful, thechange may be because he is trying to breakaway, MY SON HAS BEEN DATING A GIRL FOR SEVERAL MONTHS.SINCE HE HAS BEEN WITH HER HE HAS CHANGED SO MANY WAYS. This is not a matter of "getting along" with his girlfriend. Maybe write it in a letter or note. How can a man, my son, allow someone to treat me as such and why is it acceptable to him? They have been together for 6 years and recently bought their own house. There is a Japanese proverb that goes, "Bend the tree while it is young." It is important to have cell phone rules for kids. It seems that you have raised a young man who is independent, open-minded, tolerant . I've been dating a guy for 2 years now and have always been respectable and kind to his family. I felt two yrs ago there would be an issue with this girl and her family and it is so bad right now. I don't know how she is feeling about me being in a serious relationship with her son, and I'm not going to confront her about the way she makes me feel, unwelcomed and sensing her jealousy.What do I do?? However, after the girlfriend left her messages on the grandmother's phone, she learned that the mother of her grandchild "hates" her. Kids don't realize that hearts do mend. Scarlet announced to my son that she was going to get her kids and bring them to live with them and she can't/won't pay anything. I think then the girlfriend deserves better than your son. And honestly, I didn't like the girl for my son! Plus she nevers smiles. That bugs me toooooo death !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1. I have fought her tooth and nail ever since I found about her 8 months ago. He has began college on a full scholarship but lives at home. Concentrate on your relationship with him. My son's girlfriend doesn't like me and has banned me from visiting the house, I am not allowed to attend family birthdays or other events like Christmas, Easter etc. "The key is to start from . If you were only good to them and they still treat you this way, I would sit them down for a talk to find out what they are thinking. It seems that the more I took his side or stood up for myself, I was no longer useful to either one. Just emotionless responses or civil remarks. Son's Girlfriend: The Big Mistake You Need to Avoid. Tell us what you love about her." Break the ice with some funny family stories and invite her to share her own memories with your son. He came back after a year, when I contacted him, told him we all loved him, missed him dearly and we enjoyed the next 18 months together as a family. I still would address my son and let him know that it is only fair that his gf cleans up after herself and perhaps they need to kick in extra money for the extra expenses she creates with groceries, utilities, etc. Two days later, the mom calls to ask me to go to lunch "since the kidss are going to be together". I didn't smother her with love just showed her that she was special. He has never been pressured to study anything he does not want to - made his own choices & is supported in his hobbies & passions; which she is not really supporting as they take time from her. Have they always treated you this way? Same for the drugs and drinking as they are underage and you could be in big trouble for allowing it in your house. Do you still talk to your son and express that his family loves and misses him? We never see him, though, and I see on facebook that they are constantly doing things together~just nothing with his side of the family. We asked our son what this was all about and I brought up several reasons including the possibility of her being pregnant. She is foul mouthed and I mean drops the f-bomb like its candy even in from of us. Some lucky people do. Because we only have his best interests at heart. The cops that responded to her police call informed her that it was a civil matter. Although it is disheartening, it also gives me a sense of support - as this subject has been one that has been very difficult to handle for the past 2 years in my house. She can't keep up with this when you're not around, so . He is an adult and doesn't seem to be concerned about her sitting around smoking all day, not cleaning up or contributing to the bills. Sing her praises but not in a way that will make your mother feel less or feel jealous. Scarlet is all about junk food. The hard part is hoping your son will wake up before making any lifelong commitment to this girl. I treated her like a daughter (I don't have a daughter). She claims to be a witch. Period. And instead of providing your opinions, point out the indisputable facts. nice! The same with the girlfriend! Keep in mind there is a court appearance coming up. We had a great few days together but she stayed well away, pretended she was working but our son looked unhappy so his father asked him if he was happy, his siblings have always had a solid relationship and they heard him on the phone to him, her tone was very sharp towards him. He said it was his male friend who visited him but not the girl! Then, something said, "Call to the kitten." (as he was joking on his text) I said, I only like her because she's nice to our dog, but I don't her for you as your girlfriend! Do you have a recipe we could all cook together? I am going to tell you for the 6 months I have known her I have never said anything negative to her are about her. He has a girlfriend and we allowed her to come stay in our home 3 nights a week. I think we are all to blame but I only get the blame. lumberjack breakfast calories. If he is willing to risk his career, relinquish his faith, marry beneath or above his station or even give up his wish to have children, he will have to live with the consequences. The signs might be clear, but most parents cant help but wonder why their kid is willingly dating a toxic partner. She's four years older than me. she also attends college and skips classes often which being under my roof and acting in such an irresponsible way around my younger son is upsetting, my boys just don't do these kinds of things. do oysters taste like fish. The important matter to focus on is that you aren't an underage child or young adult and you don't need your mother's approval for this relationship. Family is forever. I'll love you no matter what." The demands are never for us except when his dad needed help lifting things for the house move. Be sure in your letter to tell him that there always, always, always will be an open door to your home and heart for him. He began to see our points, and he broke up with this girl. also, this girl has done some things that have been very disturbing as well, that would scare any mother. I always tell him to be honest and don't lie to me if ever she likes someone else so I know whats going on with him. We expressed that it wasn't that we didn't like this girl as a person and that we understood that everyone is "broken" in some wayand some people are worth fixingand that everyone deserves to be lovedbut this woman needs to fit into his life, his lifestyle, which includes his family. This is a difficult and heartbreaking challenge. So the more you attack her, the more he'll defend her. I treated her like a daughter (I don't have a daughter). Am I in the wrong? To initiate that conversation, Burns suggested positioning yourself as a buffer to help break the ice between your lover and your loved ones. This way, he can see you are not being mean or negative towards her in any way. "Her family might have been poor but this only gives her determination to help our family's finances." I can only suggest that your area of expertise is love, the love of being his mother. What is it like there? Unfortunately, that was the beginning of his down fall. Your disapproval. He text and said he's ok don't worry.